Trim the Corporate Fluff
You’ve seen it all over the Web, that brain draining, corporatespeak copy. It’s easy to spot yet so hard to get through — self-congratulatory descriptions, clauses littered with jargony gobbledygook and void of any real meaning:
“Our companies offer a wide range of competitive and innovative products to numerous markets through a highly diversified distribution system. The diversity in what we offer and how we offer it allows us to serve a variety of customers and leverage our capabilities as the marketplace changes…”
“We leverage our expertise as an innovative and respected enterprise infrastructure provider to seamlessly deliver valuable solutions for our clients that make sound business sense…”
“Our proactive approach deploys talented expertise, streamlines efforts, measures results, and provides seamless transition of service to enable a successful outsourcing solution…”
These unfortunate “About Us” gems are not made up. A quick Google search for ’infrastructure solutions companies’ led us right to them. Sound like the copy on your corporate Web site? If so, we suggest the following course of action to help clear your message of confusing corporatisms. Starting with the all-important home page:
- Cut the adjectives. No one will believe your product is innovative just because you say it is, so get rid of those modifiers. If you can demonstrate claims (like innovation) with awards or customer testimonials, please do.
- Determine exactly what you’re trying to say. Once you’ve cleared away the adjectives, you’ll start to see the real idea underneath. Paraphrase the new sentence using simpler language — the summary could lead you to a more concise version.
- Clarify and simplify, or start from scratch. As you’re editing, you may find that whacking the adjectives and simplifying the sentences doesn’t reveal any ideas but uncovers circular logic and nonsense. If so, it’s best to start over with fresh text. If your copy has a little life in it, rejuvenate it by trimming meaningless phrases, and patching up the rest with transitions.
Let’s apply this process to the examples above:
“We leverage our expertise as an innovative and respected enterprise infrastructure provider to seamlessly deliver valuable solutions for our clients that make sound business sense…”
First, yank out all those adjectives and get to the meat of the message. Or flip them around if it clarifies meaning. Thus, “innovative and respected enterprise infrastructure provider” becomes “provider of enterprise infrastructures.” Then replace industry buzzwords with language any layman can understand, or at least define industry terms before the first reference. (And, in this case, kill that misplaced prepositional phrase. This company means to say that its solutions make sound business sense, but it’s actually saying that its clients make sound business sense. And that, well, doesn’t make any sense.) Here’s our revision:
“As experts in the design, installation and support of computer information systems, we create large-scale IT infrastructures that help our clients achieve their business goals.”
Not much shorter than the original, but it’s an improvement in terms of clarity.
Second, paraphrase in conversational English, one idea at a time. Otherwise your readers will do it themselves. Here’s a good example of what not to do (along with would-be reader commentary):
- Our companies offer a wide range of competitive and innovative products… (Tell me about your products and I’ll decide if they’re innovative)
- to numerous markets… (Such as?)
- through a highly diversified distribution system. (Don’t know what this means. I feel a headache coming on.)
- The diversity in what we offer and how we offer it… (Wait, what exactly does this company offer?)
- allows us to serve a variety of customers… (Do I fit into that customer profile? Gee, it’s so vague I can’t tell.)
- and leverage our capabilities as the marketplace changes. (Yep…no idea what this company does.)
Let’s dissect a shorter example:
“Our proactive approach deploys talented expertise, streamlines efforts, measures results, and provides seamless transition of service to enable a successful outsourcing solution.”
Here we find a major case of the fluff. Though this sentence is relatively short, our task is still tricky because the object of the sentence, “solution,” is an abstract concept that is tough to summarize. Alas, here’s our best guess at the idea this company is trying to convey:
“Our company can help your company succeed.”
Seems there is an idea under all that nonsense. Not too creative, but it’s a starting point for some thoughtful revision.
Keep in mind that it’s a lot easier to sound like you’re making sense than it is to actually make sense. Keep your Web site copy from reading like a corporate android by thinking before you write and approaching the keyboard with a clear idea of what you want to say. Then remove unnecessary adjectives, cut the cryptic jargon and revise for clarity. Congratulations, you’re Web site is one step closer to sounding human.
